Confidence

I recently participated on a Wisdom Council to create the first yearly Wisdom's Feast spirituality conference for women. It was a humbling and glorious experience. Those of us who served on the Wisdom Council were able to meet earlier this week and digest our experiences and learnings from the day-long Conference itself.

And what we all got out of it-- each with her unique experience and perspective-- was greater self-confidence. I have more trust for my intuitive knowledge. This council member realized it's okay to be loud and large and visible sometimes. Another woman expressed her boosted confidence in becoming a keynote speaker because she now KNOWS she has wisdom to share; and so on. Each of us suddenly has greater respect for our own abilities, and a stronger trust that we can grow to fill a larger space in the world than we previously thought. And this conference on women's spirituality made room for all of it.

My workshop was on Intuitive Wisdom and Tarot. The concept of opening one's self to self-knowledge and Universal Wisdom on a deeper, intuitive level. This was coupled with the reality that tools like Tarot exist to draw our attention to things we already know, but need to acknowledge or work on in order to move forward productively. And thanks to all the wonderful women who attended my workshop at the Wisdom Conference, the energy in the room was amazing. The workshop was amazing. And I was amazed to find myself a conduit for such a powerful and beautiful group experience that morning.

So I'd like to continue thanking the Goddess for that. For the opportunity to be me, and be enough, and participate in that beautiful learning/teaching experience. I look forward to participating again next year. Next November, at the second annual Wisdom's Feast Conference. It's beginning to look like next year's conference may have a focus on women's experience of transition. At least, I hope that's the direction we take. Women in Transition. Women as Bringers of Wisdom. Wisdom's Feast.

Whatever the outcome, I'm confident that She will order all things well.

Growing Up Good

I copied this post from the link below because it gave me such hope for the world. (Much-needed hope!)
http://community.livejournal.com/library_mofo/1175117.html
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I've been meaning to mention this one for a while, but...

To the two-year-old twin girls who come in with their mom, so well-behaved, and clean up the children's area when they're finished playing, and always push in the chairs, and wait until we're done with the patron on the computer before showing us that wonderful book they found this time, that they're so excited about getting to read... Thank you. May you grow up just as wonderful as you are when you visit us...and just as generous.

We actually have a whole bunch of awesome little kids at work, but these two really take the cake. They came toddling in one day with their mom, nearly bouncing, and came up to return their books, and handed us a bag. Inside was the majority of their joint sticker collection. One of the things we've had to cut back on is fun kid-stuff, like coloring/activity pages, and the stickers the kids get at the end of their visit, at checkout. These two little girls visit with their mom regularly, and always ask for a sticker, like the other little ones...so they donated their sticker collection from birthdays and other presents so that everyone could still get one, when they come to the library.

Creating Community

I spend a lot of my free time working as the Coordinator for a small organic farm and nonprofit foundation. The farm is operated by five generations of women and men, not all from the same genetic family.

The Elder of the household is 92 years old. The youngest is just under five months. Together, these eight people have created a family community on the farm. Even though only two of them are actually related. And last Friday, the farm Elder had a stroke. Since then, everyone on the farm has taken turns sitting with her in the hospital. And when she woke up this morning, she found one of the young men from the farm sitting by her bed. She ate a few bites of applesauce, which exhausted her. The doctors are calling it a miracle that she can function at all.

She turned to the young man, and said "Thank you for being here." Then she closed her eyes and went back to sleep. So he stayed. Until someone else from the farm could come to the hospital to take his seat by her bed.

Hearing about that moment-- about a young man refusing to leave an old woman he's only known for a few months-- reminded me just how important it is for each of us to know we are not alone. That someone out there cares for our well-being, and would worry if we didn't make it home or didn't respond to their email or didn't show up for lunch on Thursday. It's good to enjoy your own company, to be comfortable in your own skin. To take time away from the bustle of the world and really get to know your own motivations, desires, and expectations.

But it is also good to wake up and know that someone cares whether you live or die. And there are so many ways to create a caring community for ourselves. We can volunteer and get to know the folks we're helping or working with. We can join some group activity like a painting class or yoga or even organize a monthly potluck with friends. We can visit the local Retirement Community or find a communal living arrangement of our own. And Big Brother/ Big Sister always needs volunteers. It's amazing how big a gift we get back whenever we give.

In the case of our farm Elder, she gave her farmhouse to a younger generation-- a nephew-- so that he and his wife could fix it up, farm the land, and fill the old homestead with a new created family. A family that cares enough to stay by her bedside while she sleeps, so that when she wakes up, she'll know she's not alone.

I want you to know the same thing-- You are not alone. You don't have to face life and life's challenges without support and care. And you should know that you aren't the only person going through the bumps in your particular road. There are support groups, counselors, and life coaches everywhere who can tell you the same thing-- Sometimes life is tough. Here are some of the things that might help you cope, even get you past this particular bump in the road... And you're not the first person to experience that particular challenge. I can't make it go away, but I can tell you this: You don't have to go through it alone, whatever it is. Really.

Overcoming Shame

I wear many different hats right now. As with a large percentage of the population, my plans and processes have had to change as our economic situation worsened over the last two years. My understanding is that we'll really start to see those improvements that everyone has started talking about... fairly close to Christmas time. I think it'll make a great present.

One of the hats I currently wear is that of Assistant to the Director for a small rural nonprofit. Our goals range from creating and using a functional accounting system to adding nutritional education to our menu of field-trip programs we offer to local schools. Today we had our usual monthly Board Meeting.

At past meetings, I've felt a little embarrassed to be the only paid employee in a sea of dedicated volunteers. I've been coming in about twice a week for a couple of months now. The rest of the Board has worked longer and harder on these projects than I have. Most of them are older, wiser, and they all have full-time jobs. The money I earn here has helped my budget immensely, and I'm proud of the work I do and the support I give to this fledgling nonprofit. But somehow, I always felt uncomfortable and unhappy when it came time to be paid for my efforts.

When I finally noticed myself feeling this way, I took a time-out (about an hour with the phone, the computer, and the TV turned off) to really examine the situation, and my place in it. I realized that the work I do is supporting a great cause, and that my goal in working for this nonprofit is to use all my skills to help it succeed. I love my job. Even the accounting. And I work hard every day that I'm scheduled to be there. Everyone else in that Board Meeting has a regular day job that they love and are paid to do, too. They volunteer for specific events or projects. I show up twice or even three times a week, every week, to make those events happen. And when I don't look at "what everybody else is doing" I actually feel that the money I earn as the Assistant to the Director is a fair trade for my efforts and energy expended. In fact, they're getting a really good deal out of me.

At the end of my hour, I came to the conclusion that how I feel when the Director hands me my paycheck is a choice. My choice. And I can choose to feel ashamed that I am not in a position to work for free, that I need those two days a week to make my budget work-- or I can be excited that they still think my contributions are worth contracting for. I'm choosing to feel excited and proud about my next paycheck. It may not be large, but it is an important acknowledgment of my commitment and skills. It is helping put food on my table and pay for the car I drive 90 minutes out to the office and 90 minutes back.

Shifting your relationship to the money you earn-- whether deciding to be grateful for the opportunity to support your family, acknowledging that you have in fact EARNED that money and can be proud of the work itself, or seeing it as an important step toward the life you plan to live down the road-- making that shift allows us to form a positive relationship with both our earning potential and our current job.

And once we intentionally add that bit of positive energy to our paycheck, it gets ten times easier to be positive about our finances and the budget that results from that paycheck. It may not be as much as we want to earn, it may not be the kind of work we want to do-- there are so many reasons to be resentful or unhappy. Once we begin to focus our energy and our attention on the things we like and can be proud of, we find that the shame recedes. We become more attuned to the possibilities that may have been there all along. We understand that this may be the end of what we had before-- but that is because it is only the beginning of what we will have in our lives next.

The more you can do to see these new beginnings as positive ones, the easier it will be to enjoy them, and to be encouraged by the possibilities and opportunities they bring. They may not be the outcomes and opportunities we planned on five years ago. Which means they may actually become something better.

Shame gets in the way. We tend to close down, stagnate, get stuck or get depressed and overwhelmed when our primary emotion is shame. Look for that one positive thing-- or even two or three-- that make your current situation okay. Those realizations or understandings about how you got here or what you plan to do now that you are here that will let you see past the shame and the fear. Once you've cleared the way, open to possibility. Make a new plan, and incorporate your new knowledge, your new budget, your new hopes and dreams into that plan.

As an example of how this works, I have a good friend who recently called me to share the good news: She has $7.00 in her bank account. And she is genuinely excited about this. To her, this represents another month in which she managed to pay all her bills without overdrawing the account. It represents success, and willpower, and a solid income, however slight. And she had even more good news to share. Her birthday is coming up, so a bunch of her friends have plans to take her out to dinner. Rather than all go at once, she's asked them to take her out one at a time. She'll get to spend a really meaningful evening with each of the people she most appreciates in her life-- and many of her meals will be paid for, allowing that $7.00 to stretch another couple of weeks until she gets paid again.

She could be in tears-- no money to spend on something frivolous for her birthday, a lower income than most women her age and with her education earn, barely scraping by from month to month, and it probably won't get any better for a while. But instead, she's found the things that she feels good about in the situation. She didn't resort to using credit cards. She didn't overdraw that account. She proved to herself that she has the discipline live on this income if she must. And unlike the last six months she spent job-hunting, she does have an income. All these wonderful realizations allowed her to overcome her shame at being so poor and having a job that doesn't make use of her education and skills. She was even able to look for opportunities to make her birthday something special; opportunities to make her tiny budget stretch even further. And she found them. I have to say I'm excited to hear about that $7.o0, too.

Feeling Green

I enjoy a monthly Journaling Group comprised of fellow healers, counselors, and educators. This year, we've chosen to learn more about energy. How it inhabits the body, and carries memories or emotional imprints in the form of patterned behaviors, much as energy from a battery follows a proscribed circuit of wires. We're looking for ways to rewire, to learn new and healthier behaviors and responses.

With so much information and wisdom available on the topic, we've decided to start by learning and writing about each of the seven primary Chakras, and their basic function in maintaining or healing our life energy patterns. We've decided to look more closely at the connection between energy and story. Chakras are defined as biophysical energy centers in the body, first explored and named by East Indian philosophers and healers over four thousand years ago.

As I work-- and write-- my way up through the Chakras, I've noticed some profound changes in my own relationship to energy. Energy, according to both secular and spiritual sources, fills all living things. In fact, we are made up of energy. Hearing the stories and "ah-hah!" moments of my Journaling peers has also reminded me that we each have the opportunity to combine our energy and our willpower and change the way we live-- change our life story. This was particularly apparent in our most recent Journaling session about Fourth Chakra.

But first, let me recap:
In our first meeting several months ago, we focused on the energy of First Chakra. Located at the base of the spine, this energy point in the body is related to one's sense of security, both physical and emotional. As the "Root" Chakra, this is where we draw most of our energy, find our balance, and work through our day-to-day needs and challenges. The Root Chakra is most often associated with a deep red color.

Second Chakra, or Sacral Chakra, is located below the belly button. The energy of this Chakra relates to our emotional health, sensual self-awareness, and comfort with self. It is considered the "Relationship" Chakra, and in journaling about it with the group, I recognized all over again just how common it is for women to be blocked or uncomfortable with this particular kind of energy in our bodies. Heck, most women I know (and many men as well) are just uncomfortable with their bodies, regardless of the kind of energy involved.

Third Chakra is the personal power and creative life force energy center in the body. It is located over our solar plexus, below our ribs. The color most often associated with this Chakra Energy is yellow. For many of us, this is the most functional of our Chakras simply because there are fewer risks involved in acknowledging our creative energies. We like to paint, or sing, or dance. We see that each person has unique strengths and unique personalities.

This brings us to the Fourth Chakra-- Heart Chakra. This is the month my Journaling Group has chosen to focus on our Heart Chakra, which just happens to be green. It is the center of the seven Chakras, providing a link between upper and lower energies. In our group, we talked about different meanings and representations of the Fourth Chakra's energy in the world. I was surprised to learn that it represents both healing energy and wealth. Deep self-knowledge, as well as the ability to reach out to others. Forgiveness, understanding, and bringing into harmony that which is separate. It relates to generosity, prosperity, imagination, and willpower.

Sitting with the group, I realized it's been a long time since I saw those words together in one sentence-- generosity and prosperity. Imagination and willpower. And in examining my reaction to the idea that love and money might be connected in some positive way, I began to understand just how deeply scarred our relationship with money has become. We often think it controls us, and we begin to fear taking risks and trying new things as a reaction to our perceived lack of control. Many of us are so desperate to find or earn or win enough money to feed our family or avoid foreclosure, more money, any money at all... That we've forgotten how important our own awareness and energy is to the process of creating or maintaining our own well-being. We've forgotten both how to give and how to receive with integrity and intention rather than with fear.

We have forgotten how many forms generosity can take. We have forgotten that prosperity is about something more than money-- but that money is a vital ingredient in maintaining health. Yes-- Money, like healing medicines, promotes HEALTH! The green energy of healing, of the Heart Chakra, is the same energy we can use to change our relationship with money from that of despair and exhaustion to that of determination and awareness. It's a daunting suggestion, but one of the few I've found that acknowledges our personal power to create positive change in our own economic situations. Maybe if enough Heart Chakras are unblocked and strengthened, we can extend that healing of individual financial outlooks and reclaiming of individual dreams and goals to that of our economy as a whole.

As our Group Facilitator pointed out, "At the essential center of Heart Chakra is the statement, 'the story must be healed.'"

Foundations

I've been working to strengthen my Root Chakra lately. (Strength is important-- particularly when you've got a cat lying on your arms and you're trying to type.) It has been a roller-coaster couple of weeks, and the timing for having my Root Chakra nice and strong couldn't be better.

The Root Chakra, by the way, is the one in charge of our connection with the Earth, our sense of security and belonging, our financial and physical well-being, our safety, our solidity in whatever we are trying to accomplish with our lives, and our groundedness. (is that a word?) Each chakra also has a specific "human right" attached to it. For the Root Chakra, you have the right to be here; and the right to have.

Calamity comes in all shapes and sizes, and a bunch of my dear friends have been faced with one calamity or another in the past week or two. It's a relief to support them all without having to also feel all their pain for them. At this point, I've done enough work as a Life Coach to be able to separate what *I* am feeling on my own behalf from what I am feeling on SOMEONE ELSE'S behalf.

And so I was tired from all the energy I (gladly) used in support of my friends and my clients coping with life-crisis stuff... but I wasn't emotionally overwhelmed or incapacitated by all the grief. And I'm really proud of myself for that. I'm also really proud of my clients and my friends for allowing themselves to be supported by their community when faced with a tough situation. Nobody should face their personal challenges, their grief, or their fears alone. Allow the loved ones in your life to love you back. Friendship is a two-way street.

In working with my Root Chakra over the past few weeks, I realized that many of us-- particularly those of us with families to support-- spend our lives working really hard to make other people look good, and help other people (or children) achieve their dreams/goals/successes. Sometimes we end up not really believing we have a right to our own success, or to use our skills and experiences and abilities to make OURSELVES look good. We don't realize that the right to have also applies to us. No wonder it's so hard sometimes to find a good supportive relationship, or a job we love that also pays the bills-- We don't feel like we deserve it!

I've made a point of focusing on my Root Chakra, and being grounded in my right to have, for a few minutes every day. And I can feel the difference. I'm a lot better grounded than I was a few weeks ago. I'm slowly re-claiming my own rights and my own opportunities. Thank goodness, considering all the challenges that have come up.

My hope for you is that you also allow yourself to be here, and to have the situations in your life that make you feel secure. Take some time out to light a candle on your hearth, or go for a walk in the trees and the rocks and the hills-- and think about your connection to the Earth, and to creating your own home-grown sense of security.

OH-- and for those of you suffering from mild to moderate seasonal allergies? I finally bought some freeze-dried nettle leaf capsules and they are SO controlling my allergies with NO side effects!!! (Though I can't predict what'll happen if you take them, they might be worth trying.) They even cost less than the Alavert and the Cleratin I usually take. YAY for uninterrupted sleep!! That and nutritious food and healthy physical activity are the three legs that form the tripod of good Root Chakra health. It's all about creating solid foundations to use as a basis for growing dreams and making them come true.

Welcoming Changes

I recently realized that each new social context we inhabit has its own special set of unspoken rules. And that it can take quite a while for us to figure out just what it means to hold hands in a given situation-- when we don't have anybody telling us what those new rules are, or how they apply.

I think this kind of confusion comes up a lot in new dating situations-- Do you hold hands with all your female friends, or am I special? Did you kiss me because it was New Years or because you want to start a committed relationship with me? And what did those kisses mean to me?? Are you giving me a ride home because this was a date, or because it's raining and I walked, and you're just nice like that? How many people do you date, or kiss, or give rides to at any given time? Do all your friends already know that about you, or am I the only one whose shocked?

It also comes up in new work environments, when we move to a new city or state, even when we ride our bicycles in some part of town we haven't experienced this way before. The boss says our team is all about feedback and personal growth, and everything is a two-way street... Does that mean he's open to hearing my suggestions about things he could do better as a boss? My neighbor invited me out to a bar with some of her friends, and I showed up in heels and a slinky tank top... everyone else is wearing sweatshirts and jeans...

It can be a real challenge to navigate all those unspoken expectations, or to have the courage (and foresight!) to ask questions about those unvoiced norms in a new situation. Often, we put our foot in it, feel stupid, worry that we'll never fit in. Sometimes we even give up and go back to what is familiar and easy-- whether it's healthy and helpful to our personal goals or not.

I have a good friend whose spent most of her life moving from place to place for her work every couple of years. She tells me it takes her a minimum of six months to start making friends and find all the right places to buy her groceries and take her dog to the Vet. Six months of feeling like an outsider. But she keeps going with her plans, and asks questions when she has the courage (and a likely resource person to ask)... Eventually she doesn't want to ever leave her new home, and the friends she has here, because it has actually become a home.

And from my own experiences with picking up and moving someplace new, I've learned to view moving as an opportunity to set new standards for myself. Nobody in the new place knows that I never vacuum. So if I suddenly start vacuuming every Tuesday night after work, nobody is going to give me a hard time about it. Nobody knows I never invite friends over for dinner... and I've always wanted to... Change your hair style or try wearing bold colors instead of beige at work-- nobody's going to comment because they don't know it's a big change. They don't have any set expectations of who you are or how you go about living your life.

Nobody in the new place knows I used to be an awesome golfer who spent every evening on the golf course (I'm borrowing this example from a friend), so if I decide to take up water skiing instead, I can start from scratch, and nobody here will expect me to already be an accomplished athlete, or will worry when they learn I'm only golfing once a month now. A new place is a chance to find that new grocery store with even BETTER organic produce than the one you always shopped at before. It's a great opportunity to live better and be someone you always wanted to be-- even if it's deciding not to do something. Not seeking out all the local bars since there's nobody to give you a hard time if you don't show up for a pint or three after work.

At least for me and a few of the people I've asked, it is often easier to start a new habit or break an old one when you don't have anybody whose good opinion you value more than life itself watching and worrying over your shoulder. It was easier to relax and learn to drive with the nameless driving instructor at school than it was with Mom holding the break lever in her left hand and jerking it every time I forgot to push on the clutch.

Life is all about change. And while I know that familiarity-- old friends, dad's cooking, the way you always hit the ball over the fence, or that one bar where everyone knows your name-- that's important and worthwhile... Sometimes finding new ways of being opens the door to Abundant Living in a way we hadn't even known was possible before. Sometimes setting a standard for how we want to be treated in our next relationship, or choosing to take that dance class that none of our old friends was interested in trying-- It brings a depth and a beauty to our lives that we didn't even know we were missing.

Hey, it's Spring-- Everything is growing, and changing, and blooming, and pushing out little green shoots of something new in places it's never grown before. Maybe it's time for you to give Change a chance, and see what good things pop up in your life.

Natural Processes

So February was the month of the Cat Scare. March? March is, apparently, the month of the flu. As in, I caught it, and here we are ten days later, and I'm still not fully recovered. And I'm tired of it. Seriously. I have a life I'd like to be living-- or at least pursuing.

So I decided to pretend I was all better, in the hopes that believing would make it true, and because my parents were going to be in town for a visit, and I wanted to enjoy their company.

We decided to check out the Da Vinci exhibit. And it's pretty cool. They've recreated a few pages from his personal notebooks, one of which explores the way that a planet and a sun affect the light on another planet. VERY COOL to see that!! And they've rebuilt a bunch of the machines and concepts of flight, motion, and energy into little wooden examples-- with the same tools and materials that Da Vinci himself would have had access to. And you even get to play with some of the gears!! There are reproductions of his sketches and studies of the human body. And a whole room devoted to his painting, particularly the Mona Lisa.

Da Vinci was a pretty cool frood, really. He believed that we could learn to do anything that could be done in nature by observing how Nature does it. And so he spent hours and days and months observing the way birds fly, the way people exert force on a lever, the way toes are made to wiggle through their attachment to bone with fine sinews and fibers that direct movement. For Da Vinci, Mother Nature was the ultimate teacher, and he devoted a lifetime to Her lessons.

A room full of musical instruments and war machines later, and I was barely shuffling along, trying to put one foot in front of the other. I actually fell asleep in the restaurant over lunch, I was so exhausted by the outing. Three hours of standing around, and I slept the rest of the day and a full ten hours last night. I'm ready to have my energy back. I'm just not sure how to get it.

Well, to paraphrase Da Vinci's classification of people, there are those who understand, those who can be taught to understand, and those who will never understand.
...I'm learning.

Ways of Being

I had an interesting conversation with a friend this weekend. We talked about the difference between having goals to work toward, and working on new ways of being in the world. She had a pretty convincing argument, so I thought I'd share.

We often talk about our latest goals, or the goal we are focusing on in the moment. Somehow, this places not only our efforts but also our accomplishments outside of ourselves. If you want to earn top ratings in your company this quarter-- whatever your company rates-- that's a goal.

It's you working on something totally separate from your SELF, and with both a goal and a reward that are pretty impersonal. They might give you a year-end bonus that you can spend on a trip to Maui or something... but they don't really change who you are or how hard you'll have to work next quarter if you want the same results. Losing weight, getting up earlier-- these feel like similar goals. Things you can measure by looking at the scale or the clock or the nightly news. Looking outside yourself for both expectation and outcome.

Ways of being are harder to measure, harder to change-- and yet when we do improve our way of being, every aspect of our life gets a little bit easier, clearer, more functional. Several years ago, I wanted to change my way of being-- I wanted to be healthy. And I really examined what that meant for me. How I would be in the world, and what about my lifestyle or my thought process or my daily activities needed to change in order for me to live in a way that feels healthy to me. And to be honest, I'm still working on it.

I wanted to be pain-free in my body most days. I wanted to be able to lift moving boxes and heavy bags of kitty litter without hurting myself. I wanted to feel that I had a chance of defending myself from harm if I were ever attacked in a dark parking lot at night.

I wanted to feel connected to the Earth. I wanted to be connected to my own feelings and intuition so that I could USE them to keep myself healthy, safe, sane. I wanted to respect myself enough to pay attention to my needs, and work on meeting them. I wanted to get rid of my adult acne, and keep up with my friends on long hikes in the hills without complaint. These, to me, were the measuring sticks of my improved way of being. If I could do these things, I'd be living the life I want to live-- the way I want to be in the world.

So I took time to examine my lifestyle, and look for things I could do with very little money and no health insurance-- to improve my way of being healthy in the world. I started meditating. I read about the root chakra that is our connection to our physical body, to the earth, and to our internalized messages of security and sturdiness. I bought essential oil of clove to help me meditate on my root chakra and improve my sense of groundedness, my sense of security, my awareness of my SELF and my physical needs.

I started walking a couple of times a week, looking at trees and birds and clouds when I walked. And I tried to change my sleeping habits so that I got a fairly reliable seven hours of sleep a night. Then eight. Then nine. I really feel rested if I get nine hours of sleep a night. I don't always manage it. And I know most people don't need that much. But I do. And I'm learning to respect my body's needs and my self enough to acknowledge what I need in order to be healthy. I also realized I had formed an unhealthy dependency on pain killers and sleeping pills to manage my pain from an old car accident.

Usually, we do need those pills for a little while, but at some point, we either need to heal the pain, or find non-chemical forms of pain-management and sleep-management. Some folks do legitimately need medicine, and if you need it? TAKE IT. But so many more of us take meds we don't need because it is easier than dealing with the problem that the meds help us ignore. I decided to consult a doctor on the healthiest way to reduce my dependence on my particular prescription medicines. I knew it would be dangerous to stop cold-turkey. Then, I cut my dose by 1/3 on a Friday, so I'd have the weekend to cope. The next Friday, I cut the daily dose in half. And because I was so cranky by then, I told a few people what I was doing so they wouldn't take my attitude personally.

I stayed at that level of dosage for almost a month. This wasn't about meeting a goal. This was about finding ways to be healthy. So I didn't have a set timeline. Instead, I waited until I wasn't so scared by the side effects I had with reducing my dosage. I picked a time when I knew I didn't have to do any driving or anything important for four or five days in a row. And I had some non-chemical pain-management options ready to use.

I started on those new things the first day. I stopped taking pills the second day, with an over-the-counter pain med just to ease myself into it a little more. By the third day, I was using pain management techniques, an no pills. By the fifth day, I felt better than I had in years.

I'm still working on the acne. Managing it requires overcoming my addiction to sugar-foods. I like chocolate and ice cream and and and and too much to let go easily or quickly. But I'm also proud of the progress I've made in listening to my body's needs, and maintaining some sort of regular exercise. And when I exercise, I listen to my body so I don't over-do or re-injure myself. If I start to feel tired, I take iron pills and vitamin C and garlic. I try to manage my body temperature, and give my body extra sleep and extra water to help fight off any virus germs. I'm not sick nearly as often as I used to be. And I feel more alive. More connected to the Earth and to myself. I even keep up with my friends when we hike.

I guess improving my health wasn't so much a goal as a way of being in the world. It wasn't about crazy diets or binge exercising. It wasn't about denying myself or punishing myself. It was about getting to know myself better, and then making informed decisions. It was about learning to accept what my body needs to be healthy-- and not what I think it should need, should look like, should do for me. It was about learning to be compassionate-- at least about my health-- with my SELF. And it's one of the hardest lessons for a person to learn. To be good to themselves, without punishment, judgment, or unhappy indulgence.

Be compassionate with your body. Honor your feelings. They are trying to tell you something important about your well-being in the world. Find those connection points between you, and the universe at large. They do exist. Isolation is only ever self-imposed. The grass really is greener on the other side.

The Vet let me take my kitty home last night, with some pain medicine and a vague hope that maybe she'd eat something once she wasn't in pain anymore.

So I was hopeful. Until the Vet called this morning. The final test came back, and it turns out her white blood cell count is horribly low. So We made an appointment to take her back into the doctor's for another test. This one was to see if she had either feline leukemia or kitty AIDS. Those being the most likely reasons for a low white blood cell count, apparently.

Apparently, she was also much calmer about getting her blood drawn this time around. And it only took ten minutes to get the test results back. She is evil illness-free, as far as we can tell. Luckily, it is NEITHER feline leukemia NOR kitty HIV. Unluckily, we still don't know what it IS. I have strict instructions from my Vet (who also owns a tortie) to call her with updates.

And LUCKILY, I have a very wonderful update to report. As soon as we got home, she got out of the cat carrier, wandered over to the wet food that has been sitting hopefully in my room for the past few hours, and licked it a few times before wandering back to her blanket in front of the space heater. FOOD!!! She ate a bite of FOOD!!! That's more than she's eaten of her own volition in three days! WAHHOOOO!!!!

And I have finally got some hope back that she'll recover from this insane trip of hers.
Thanks for all your good thoughts, everyone. We both needed them for a while. Maybe we still do. But at the moment, Abbigale is curled up on my bed in the sun pretending that her little fore-arm isn't shaved and listening carefully, just in case I venture over to the pain medicine again. Because, well, she REALLY LIKES that pain medicine.

So, basically, the only thing we know for sure is that she had some really painful gas, stopped eating, got really dehydrated, and is now hooked on pain killers. Not necessarily in that order. Life can be such a trip. ...sigh.

Loving Abbigale

My cat is in the Animal Hospital today. They're trying to figure out why she stopped eating and drinking two days ago, why her chest hurts, why she has a build-up of gas, why she's been puking and other grossness for the last 24 hours, at both ends. And how to make it all better.

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to cope. She is a fixture in my life. She is one of my best friends, and my life-companion. She is only ten years old. And if she needs surgery to remove an obstruction in her bowels, I'm not sure I can pay for it.

I'm trying to figure out how to make my situation go away. How to have a job, or another credit card, so that I could have a hope of paying for this. I'm trying to figure out how I got so desperate financially that I would even consider NOT getting this $800-$2000 surgery for my Abbigale. I'm looking into donations from animal-rescue organizations. I'm looking into my credit card totals to see how bad they really are. I'm looking into payment plans. My vet is looking into some possible other cause for her illness.

I'm trying to cope with my sudden reality that I've already spent $600 on her medical care today, and that I really don't want to wake up without her tomorrow... and that it costs less to put my best friend to sleep than to heal her... but even that would be expensive. I'm really trying to cope with reality, but failing.

Because the reality is that she is my one ability to keep coping with my life. She gives me a reason to get up (even if it's a half-hour earlier than I wanted to get up), and she helps me sleep at night. She loves me unconditionally, and forgives me for being selfish and stupid from time to time. Nobody else does that. How can I weigh her life against something as stupid as two or three months' worth of rent payments.

I have some wonderful wonderful human friends-- and some of them have really been there for me when I've been in tight spots at various times. But believe me-- I've spent more time being content because SHE was content to be with me than I have just happy on my own account. So here it is.

The last few shreds of hope I have are that maybe the problem is something that can actually be fixed without surgery... or that I won the lottery last week and just don't know it yet. Because as much as I want the opportunity to earn my way-- I'm going to feel like shit if I get a good-paying day job within a few days or weeks of putting her to sleep for lack of funds.

I know that my desires are purely selfish here-- the desire to keep her alive, and the desire not to go into debt to do so. And I've realized, that as much as it's going to hurt-- whatever the outcome-- what I really want is for her to know I love her, and for her not to suffer. Whatever that means, I think I can make my peace with it. Eventually. After the heart-hurt eases a bit, and the empty spot starts to heal. I know I'm never going to fill her place in my heart.

Today, I'm just sitting around waiting for news, researching dead-end financial options and grant moneys for emergency pet care, and crying. At least, after I made the vet appointment last night, she and I had the whole night to lay together and cuddle on the bed. And even though she had to get off the bed to vomit and have diareah about five or six times, she always made her way back up to where she could sleep on my arm, curled into my side.

God, Goddess, please let her live.

Getting to know yourself...

It's an interesting challenge, slowing down long enough to make friends with ourselves. Usually, when we get into stressful situations at work or in our marriages, we try to ignore them by being too busy to care. We are often so afraid that the situation that is "going wrong" is somehow our fault. Nobody wants to be the bad guy.

So we hide from this imagined truth by adding more activities and commitments into our day. We take on more responsibilities, and we try to be "everything for everyone" in a few more peoples' lives. We watch more TV, and we stay up too late so we aren't awake enough to lie in bed and actually THINK before we go to sleep. We don't want to know.

We don't want to know our marriage is failing, or our work situation is unhealthy, or that our eating habits have brought us to this situation where we hate our bodies and indulge in comfort foods to feel better about everything. My dad doesn't want to know he has Alzheimer's. So after the first three tests came back clean, he decided he's FINE, and has refused any more tests.

With Alzheimer's, you keep doing the same tests over time to show deterioration of faculties, memory, etc. And it's a process of elimination. You take tests for everything else, and when you don't have any of the other diseases that involve memory issues, you have Alzheimer's. But my dad doesn't want to have that disease, so he tells me he's too busy to keep taking all those tests. And they cost a lot, too.

I find that we often use the family budget as another reason to let the status quo remain. We worry that being divorced, we wouldn't have enough money to support ourselves (and our children, if we have them). We worry that our partner wouldn't be able to take care of him or herself-- either physically or money-wise, or even emotionally-- if we weren't there with them.

The truth is that we are enabling unhealthy situations. My dad's mind is worth spending money to preserve. It's easy to make choices about our lives by refusing to act, by refusing to pay attention. And yet, by refusing to take responsibility for our own happiness, our own fulfillment, our own future... We are being complicit in our own suffering.

And what we THINK we would know about ourselves if we actually stopped to think about it-- stopped to look at ourselves clearly-- isn't always the reality. Maybe the marriage just needs more attention, and maybe if we stopped to notice what was missing, we could find a way to add it into the relationship. We could actually improve our marriage instead of ending it. We could actually value ourselves enough to make a healthier choice about our bodies or our food or our embodied stress or our right to be treated with respect.

Getting to know yourself is different from sitting down for a hate-fest of self-abuse and self-recrimination. That is called a pity-party. And it can be very destructive to sit and dwell on all the things we THINK are wrong with ourselves-- over and over again.

I'm talking about getting to know yourself. Looking past all the stories you've told (or been told) about how unkind, inconsiderate, passionless, closed-minded, stupid, fat, etc etc etc we supposedly are. Looking at our lives without the drama for a few minutes. You went to school, and did well there. You are a wage-earner for the family. You budget well with the money you have. There may not always be enough money, but your budgeting is not at fault for that. You are loving and you put others' needs before your own MORE often than is actually healthy for you-- and there is nothing selfish or self-centered about that. You value your friends. You have tons of awesome skills, and a really great sense of humor. You are worth knowing.

Often, the foods we eat (or don't eat) when we are feeling bad about ourselves and our lives are not indulgences-- they are punishments. We try to punish ourselves for "failing" by giving ourselves reasons to be unhappy with our choices. Eating too much, eating unhealthy foods, refusing to eat anything at all. We express our discontent by contributing to our own physical deterioration, as a punishment for being imperfect. For being human.

And the truth is that we are all human. That perfection is boring. That there are valid solid serious reasons to love and appreciate each person on this earth-- including you. Do you kill for fun? Do you have a spare-closet-full of expensive clothing you've never even de-tagged so you could wear it? Do you eat puppies for breakfast and drink the blood of virgin sacrifices for dessert? Do you tell evil lies about your coworkers to get them fired? I think not.

What does your mental picture of a good, likeable person look like? Don't think about you for a minute here-- I know you've got that ready list of dislikes in your back pocket, and we're circumventing those for the moment. Jumping right past them without looking down. What are traits you value in your friends and/or mentors? Write a list of things you appreciate in real-live people around you. Yes, we like Mother Theresa for her selfless life... but it's hard to say what made her likeable as a person if you didn't actually know her personally.

Remember to add in those silly jokes your son makes just in time to break (or distract) family tensions-- the ones that keep everyone from arguing about who spent more on the credit cards this month. Remember how much you enjoy that one friend who says outrageous things and makes you laugh. Remember the guy at work who ALWAYS brings his lunch, and then gives his cookie to the girl at the front desk. Remember that the things that make a person lovable aren't always super-human.

Have your list? Okay. Now, add five numbered spaces at the bottom. Here is where I want you to pull out the "what I hate about me" list from your back pocket. What five things about yourself are you most annoyed or disappointed by? What do you most wish you could change about yourself? What do you spend the most time being angry or disappointed in yourself about? Just put down five that you're really dwelling on this week. We numbered the spaces because you have to pick five. Not six.

Don't agonize over this. It's an exercise in getting perspective. This is not the list that God will use to decide if you are worthy of heaven. (I don't mean to be flippant or derogatory-- and I don't mean to be exclusively Christian. I'm giving you perspective on making your list of five things you wish you could change about yourself.)

Now take that list (the list of things you'd like to be, and the things you think you are) to a few folks who love you, and who you trust to be brutally honest with you anyway. Ask them how this list compares to the way they see you. Trust their responses. Trust that THIS IS HOW YOU COME ACROSS TO OTHERS. You may be shocked to discover how many good traits people already think you possess. How strongly they disagree with your list of five negatives about yourself. You may notice how badly out of proportion you've blown these supposed faults of yours, and how little credit you've given yourself for your accomplishments and good traits.

Our self-awareness, our ability to see ourselves and judge our own merit realistically often gets thrown off-center. The more we dwell on our short-comings, the more our minds turn them into monsters. We may occasionally indulge in a latte or a new pair of winter shoes. This does not make us spend-a-holics. We may occasionally express a preference to our spouse. That does not make us selfish or mean.

In fact, it's pretty hard to be self-confident and proactive about our lives if we don't know what we do and don't want-- if we fail to have preferences and set healthy boundaries for ourselves and our interactions with others. If we don't know who we are, nor acknowledge what we are capable of. Self-confident successful men and women have opinions and a strong sense of purpose. They have goals, and they succeed because they make decisions and take actions accordingly.

We can be considerate of our partners and coworkers without being subservient-- without being slaves to their preferences and opinions. We can be gentle and loving without basing our lives on the premise that we are here to make someone else happy. The only person who can make you happy is you. The only person who can make your grumpy coworker happy is your coworker. It's okay to ask for-- or offer-- help. It's okay to have bad days. We all do. But it's vital that we don't give away our power to make positive changes in our own lives.

It's vital that we acknowledge our own success, our own skills and abilities. It's vital that we befriend ourselves enough to forgive--and learn from-- the occasional mistake. Would you expect of your most loved and respected mentor or friend the perfection and strict adherence to certain "rules" that you expect of yourself in your daily life? Maybe it's time to be your own friend. To give yourself a break, and acknowledge all the things you actually do right.

You are an amazing person. Take a few minutes to slow down and find out why the people you appreciate also appreciate YOU. And then decide if your marriage is over or your work situation is hopeless or if you don't deserve to have nice friends. Maybe all you need are some tools to help you take responsibility for meeting your own needs, expressing your own truth, reclaiming your own power to make positive changes in each of these situations.

Get to know yourself. You're worth appreciating.

Tools for Survival

A healthy relationship takes work. It takes figuring out how to enjoy time together-- and how to appreciate time spent doing your own thing. Believe it or not, you don't have to do everything --or agree about everything-- with your life partner. In fact, it's healthier to have some activities that you share with your friends, or do on your own. It's healthy to have your own opinion and your own personal goals.

However cliche the sentiment, we really do have to learn to appreciate, respect, and like ourselves before we can ask others to like and respect us. It's hard to learn these things after having been in your partnership (or marriage) for a while. Watching the relationship deteriorate over time is painful, and we often don't want to put any more effort into fixing it or making it work by the time we figure out what went wrong.

One of my favorite relationship survival concepts comes from a great book called "The Five Love Languages." Basically, we each feel loved in a unique way. And because of the way we were brought up to express love in our families-- or the way that we most feel loved ourselves-- we often express the love we feel for our partner in specific pre-programmed ways. Here's the catch: Most of the time, your partner doesn't feel loved in the same way you do.

You may spend a lot of time and energy doing nice things for your partner to show that you care-- things like cooking dinner and giving foot rubs and keeping the kids busy so he or she can have a few hours of quiet on the weekend. But what if your partner needs to hear the words? Maybe the way your partner feels loved is by hearing you tell him or her how much you love them, and how they are special and important in your life. All that effort you put in didn't get you anywhere. It's easy to feel resentful. It's easy to stop trying. But it's also easy to try something different, and save our efforts for the ones that really make a difference.

Sometimes, we understand that a specific act or statement is our partner's way of showing us they care. But if that effort they made isn't actually in our special love language, we still don't feel that fulfillment of being in a loving and rewarding relationship. Sometimes all the loving and appreciative words in the world aren't enough to fix the problem-- because the problem is that your partner feels loved when you give him or her gifts, or perform acts of service like doing the dishes without being asked.

One of the best things we can do to maintain our most important relationships is to figure out not only how WE feel loved, but the language of love that our partner most clearly benefits from. Then, we make an effort to give our partner a dose of love in a way they can really appreciate-- on a regular basis. Building up a store-house of received love means that when times are tough, and we don't have energy or emotional stamina to be loving, there's love-money in the bank for us to draw on for a while. Our partner can be loving and supportive of us without feeling like they are being drained or sucked dry in the process.

It's about maintenance, and compassion. And these two tools have to be utilized by both people in the relationship over the lifetime of the relationship. Unfortunately, as simple as these tools sound, we often aren't taught about them when we enter the big relationships of our lives. We don't know how to say what we need without making demands. We don't know how to be compassionate without enabling or becoming codependent.

Another book whose concepts I draw from on a regular basis is called "Truth in Dating." This book describes-- and gives examples of-- honest communication in a relationship. I've used some of the skills this book spelled out for me in business meetings, and in trying to communicate with the elders in my family tree. I've used them in ending a dating relationship with someone I really liked and respected-- but didn't want to date anymore. And I've gained a much clearer understanding of how to talk to the people I love without trying to manipulate the outcome of the conversation. With direct and open communication about my needs and expectations in the relationship, and how I'm willing to support my partner in his own personal growth process.

We each are capable of growing and gaining additional tools for making our relationships even better. And every time I get to work with a person or a couple who really care about improving the quality of their relationship-- of their communication with the people they love-- I'm excited by the reminder that there are so many people out there who feel their love is worth working for. Is worth the effort it takes to make that relationship even better.

It takes work to maintain your weight, it takes work to improve your physical fitness. It takes weeks of putting in effort at work to receive a reward or promotion. Relationships are no different. They take work, they take effort, and positive results don't happen overnight. But the outcome is worth it. Even if all you gain is additional skill and better tools to give your next relationship a solid foundation.

Be Well, and with the advent of our glorious winter season,
Happy Everything!

Mistaken Identity

I am reminded of just how hard it can be to recall situations in which our own behavior might have been the cause of a problem, and not the voice of reason. Situations that we wish we had handled with more maturity, more insight, more integrity. Sometimes, we use our mistakes as an excuse to feel bad, to be immobilized by past choices so that we don't have to make new ones. Sometimes, we ignore our role in the drama, forgetting that it takes at least two people to have an interaction. Sometimes, we simply forget that the event ever occurred at all.

It is easier to forget, or fail to identify our role in our own suffering and dis-ease, than it is to work through our own contributions to a situation, and find new tools and apply new knowledge or new skills to making it right in the here and now. Hindsight is often 20/20, as the saying goes. But there's more to it than that. As with the alcoholic's 12-step program that includes a stage of making amends with past wrongs-- personal healing for ANY past transgression requires that we acknowledge and make peace with our own behavior and fear and choices and mistakes.

Sometimes this includes sharing our new awareness with the people we negatively affected in the past. Often, it is more a matter of re-visioning current choices and awareness in light of what has come before.

Did you know you had food allergies? No? Do you know it now? So if someone tries to impress you by serving a food you are terribly allergic to, you can have a new reaction than the one that so hurt your partner ten years ago when you rejected not only the food that made you ill, but every food that person offered you for the rest of your weekend together. And the person ended up feeling rejected in the process.

It is not wrong to protect yourself from illness. But it is more right to say to your partner, "I've recently tested for food allergies, and discovered that I have several. I don't like to make a big deal out of it, so there is no way you could have known I'm allergic to XYZ. I really feel loved that you did all this for me. I'm really going to enjoy ABC that are here on the table, too. Thank you!"

The first time I ever had a panic attack, I didn't know what one was. I'd never seen one, felt one, or heard a story in which the label was followed by a description of symptoms. I was 19, and I was alone with my first boyfriend in a cabin in the Alaskan Wilderness. I thought I was experiencing food poisoning, which I also didn't know much about. And I blamed my boyfriend, who'd packed the food.

Now, looking back, I realize that many of our uncomfortable interactions that weekend following my racing heart, cold sweat, inability to speak with out shaking and stuttering, inability to catch my shallow breath, and absolute panic, were a result of the blame I placed on him for that poisonous moment. I realize now that it was a panic attack, and had nothing to do with the food. And I would like to go back and make a different choice with the knowledge and tools I now have.

But the thing is-- I didn't have that knowledge or those tools at the time!! I didn't even know that food often made me ill because I had food allergies and chemical sensitivities that had never been diagnosed. I was simply leery of new foods, or of any situation in which I felt ill after eating. So now, I can make a different choice. I can be aware of how foods and chemicals affect me sometimes, and I can check in with my body and my self-awareness to see if I'm feeling my tummy clench because of food, because of stress, because of an emotion I'm trying to repress, or for some other unknown reason. I don't have to make the same assumptions I made when I was 19 and scared of anything new.

Life moves forward. It is a beautiful thing when we can move forward with our lives. Acknowledging past mistakes, but also taking steps to improve our relationship with the world in the present-- and in the future. It is our work toward self-improvement that allows us to step away from guilt and isolation and a fear of choices and changes. By choosing to put in the hard work, by choosing to learn that we do have room for improvement, by taking steps forward with our behavior and our knowledge and our tools, we make amends for the problems we once created in our own and other peoples' lives. But we bring the lessons learned with us.

I know a lot of people who would rather not look back. Who believe that thinking about past times when things didn't go the way they wanted is a waste of the present. Who refuse to acknowledge any regrets. People who refuse to feel bad about any choice they make because they are too busy doing the best they can in any given present. These people have an amazing capacity for pleasure, and for happiness. But they live very transient lives.

We build a better future by creating a solid foundation of our past, and taking old lessons into current situations so that we build better with every new experience and every new joy we encounter. If we refuse to examine our past for clues to improving our present, we simply jump from situation to situation, and as soon as a situation looks difficult or painful, we leave it behind. No regrets, right? But no regrets mean no opportunities to change or improve our add to our interpersonal tools. I don't advocate walking around with a basket of guilt and pain on your back. And I don't recommend beating yourself up about things you have no control to fix or change. But abdicating responsibility for making yourself a better person-- abdicating responsibility for your own role in any given interaction-- it's selfish, and it's very short-term thinking. Really.

I believe that examining a pattern that we repeat can give us clues about WHY we repeat it, or what we are looking for when we get into those situations and relationships over and over again. Once we know more about why something uncomfortable happens over and over in our lives, we can re-vision our personal goals and needs. We can learn better and healthier ways to get what we want. We can begin to heal the wounds we often refuse to admit exist. We can move forward with more tools and greater self-knowledge, so that our next choice comes closer to actually reaching our long-term personal bliss.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a solid foundation for your hopes and dreams to build on? The best way to do that is to examine the bricks of experience you've already laid down, and to understand better and more skillful ways of applying your tools as you reach for your personal goal of happiness and fulfillment. True joy is based on a tripod of self-love, and self-knowledge, and self-respect. These things require of us that we know not only what we want in any given moment, but also how far we've already come to get it.

Battling Fear

Every Wednesday night, I attend a writing group. I look forward all week to this event, excited to read my pages and hear the feedback from my peers and advisers. Every week, I am nearly late, frantically pulling together my pages, my final edits, my nerve-- and heading off to work.

And it is work. I am writing down some difficult memories, to be picked over as a stranger might do a cold plate of french fries after lunch. It is hard for me to visualize some past events with enough clarity to write them down so others can vicariously experience those events, too. Hard because I don't want to relive those times. Hard because old wounds heal slowly, and my flesh is still tender. The critiques are always helpful-- but sometimes they still hurt.

Driving home tonight, I realized I was shaking with the after-effects of fight-or-flight adrenaline. That primed response of our bodies in a state of sudden fear. It is scary to remember a time we never want to repeat. It is exhausting, and emotionally draining, too.

Why do I do this? Why do I keep writing, editing, returning every Wednesday night for another dose of dread? Well... I thought about that on my way home. I realized that the truth I share with my clients also applies to me. If I want to find the lessons that will help me move beyond a bad memory or experience, I have to work through the experience. I have to be willing to go piece-by-piece through my past, and throw out what isn't useful. Claim the lessons. Claim my inner strength, my integrity, my changes and the personal growth that I've experienced since those events occurred.

I am lucky. Writing is, for me, cleansing. Putting down on a page all the things I didn't want to forget, but hate to remember-- It lets me rest from the burden of remembering. It lets me put down the memory without fear of losing or repeating the lesson-- I can re-read it any time I feel a need. I am literally lightening my load at each Wednesday night Writer's Group. Freeing up mental and emotional space one jaw-clenching page at a time. Making room for something new.

Just after a car accident, we are in trauma. When the danger has past, and the person stabilized, there is often a long and painful period of physical therapy. A time when we re-learn how to inhabit our bodies, and work through the pain of healing. And so I look forward to these sessions, knowing I'll be exhausted and in pain at the end. Knowing that it's a good kind of pain, and not a punishment. Knowing that I am re-learning how to inhabit my emotional landscape, learning how best to lean forward into my life.

I have seen friends in crisis who were so scared of the pain they might feel if they acknowledged the hurtful situation they were in-- that they simply refused to get therapy. The fear of the healing process was bigger than the ugly situation they were actually living in. We seem, intuitively, to know just how painful it will be to work through our injuries and our traumas. And yet, so often, we turn a blind eye to the trauma or the situation that we live through every day instead.

Getting help, asking for someone to hold your hand and help you move through the pain toward a healthier life, it's a big deal. I have great respect for anyone who can battle their fear enough to ask for help-- to keep asking for help until they are well. Who uses that extra bit of energy that allows us to learn from old hurts, and old patterns, so that we don't repeat them. So that we understand our own personal process of healing, and are able to fully embrace our individual presence in the world.

Driving home from my Writer's Group tonight, I appreciated all over again the courage and the energy my clients put into their own healing process. I honor their victory and their commitment to becoming fully themselves. Their willingness to come back to the table every couple of weeks, ready for more hard work. And then I sit at my computer, and write another chapter in my own story, getting ready for next week's healing critique.

Funning

This is going to sound like a commercial for Happyville.
Really, it's ...okay, it IS a commercial for Happyville.
May you be a frequent guest.


Remember that having fun is just as important as everything else. It is important to take time out from stress and from work-- time to do something just because you enjoy doing it.
Take a walk to appreciate the crisp air and the falling leaves.
Grab a half-court game of basketball with some buddies.
Cook that apple pie with extra cinnamon that takes so long to make.
Take some soup and a cheezy movie to a friend in need.
Try a new sport, or plan to carve pumpkins with family.
Schedule a massage, or maybe an hour at the gym or the dance hall.

These mini stress-releases make it a lot easier to buckle down and get things done in between. They also work well as personal rewards for continuing to move forward and tackle the hard stuff-- one day at a time.

When was the last time you planned something fun into your schedule? So long as you aren't having fun at someone else's expense-- at work, at play, at home, at dinner, at the gym, the bar, the ...

Including friends and potential friends in your fun is a way to spread the good feelings around. And... well, doing something you truly enjoy, with no expectations attached to it-- it gives you a reason to smile to yourself. And that is what the winter season is all about!

Personal Worth

What is your time worth? What is the energy you put into your day worth?

Is it worth hearing the occasional "thank you" from house-mates or coworkers? Is it worth $20 an hour? $50? $10? If you were to receive funding equal to the actual value of your efforts in your job-- be it corporate, care-taking, or creative-- how much would you pay yourself to do what you do?

It's an interesting question. More so, because of the challenges many of us currently face as the job market plummets. We often make-do with work that does not fulfill our potential, or with a salary that does not reflect our contributions. We do this because we have a responsibility to ourselves and our families to provide shelter, food, and other basic necessities. Most of us cannot afford to be laid off or downsized.

And many of us feel that our time is SO valuable, and in SUCH short supply, that we will hire someone else to do the work for us that we just don't find it worthwhile to do. Sometimes, we hire someone who gets more per hour than we do. Often, this is because of the expertise required, or the effort involved, in that hour's work. We just aren't able to plumb the bathroom, lift the broken washing machine, scrub the floor 'till our knuckles turn red, or sit at an aging parent's bedside 24-7.

I often refer back to a book that a friend bought for me several years ago, when I first realized that credit cards were dangerous. It's called "Your Money or Your Life." I'd give you the author, but I seem to have loaned the book to a friend... hmmm...

This book explains how to calculate the actual dollar-payment that each of us receives for our efforts in the job market. It includes things like dry-cleaning bills, transportation costs, etc... And if you read far enough into the book, you apply that dollar-per-hour figure to your whole life. Is it worth 4 hours of my time to buy the expensive lipstick for $16.95? Is it worth 27 hours of work each month to watch cable TV?

On a personal level, I've been struggling with placing a dollar value on the work that I do as a Consultant. Not just the calculations, but the person-to-person communication that is required to explain that value to the people who utilize my services. Healing --the healing that I do with my clients-- is so vital to well-being. If I had the resources, I would offer it for free. But I realize that unless I can balance out the dollar-value of the things I need to buy with the dollar-value of the extreme amounts of energy I put out in any given session... I won't have the resources to heal anyone at all.

I do work on a sliding scale. And I recognize that it is my own responsibility to uphold the value of my services-- to say "Well, we've had our 90 minutes, but we could do a lot more work together today. Should we wait until our next session, or are you able to pay for another hour of my energy today?" But... it sounds so calculating. So disrespectful of the humanity that is the basis of the work I do. And I struggle with the challenge of truly valuing my own personal worth.

And... knowing that so many people currently struggle to make ends meet, I don't want my services to be unattainable. I'd rather receive a lower payment than make one of my clients wait another six months to see me-- when the market begins to improve. NOW is when my work is needed the most. NOW I have time to give. ...but as a good friend of mine is fond of saying... "A Girl's Gotta Eat." How do I balance that out?

I suspect that there are many of us who face a similar struggle. Many of us who have chosen to receive lower wages rather than risk receiving no wages at all. It frustrates me to know that even when the market was booming, women regularly faced this choice. In most professions, women can still expect to receive between 15-35% lower wages for the same or better quality performance as their male counterparts. I'll be interested to see how that challenge trickles down now that so many businesses are struggling.

And I am grateful for the opportunity to help. We do not face the struggles in our lives alone, unless that is the path we choose to take. Life is full of possibilities, and opportunities to share what we have with those who have less. Like the ant who shared his summer harvest with the grasshopper, in exchange for friendship and music to feed his soul when winter came, we each have within us the seeds of nourishment for someone else.

The challenge of the seed is to step forward with joy for the journey, at a time when none of us truly knows what lies ahead. The wise gardener plants many seeds, never knowing which will grow to nourish her family down the road. I am learning to value each seed, and to step forward with appreciation for the harvests I have already enjoyed.

And it is through this process-- the process of stepping forward blindly, because I am busy looking at where I have already been-- that I begin to appreciate the true value of my gifts. The true value of the energy I have expended in service to others over the years. The opportunity to plant seeds that might someday grow and provide nourishment for someone else-- that is the true value of my work. And at least in this, possibility is every bit as motivational as results.

I value you. Thank you for sharing a piece of your journey with me. May your Autumn Harvest see you through the restful Winter, and on into the fresh possibilities of Spring.

For Yourself

Why is it that it is harder to say NO to someone you love-- or even a stranger-- than it is to say YES to yourself, and making time or designating resources to meeting our own needs??

Because for most of us, it is a really hard thing to do. I also know another group of folks who are so busy indulging themselves that they don't take the time to examine WHY they need all this self-time to feel good about living their lives. Either way, we are choosing not to have a deep and respectful relationship with our inner Self. We are choosing not to work through our life challenges, but are attempting to ignore the problems by working until we can't think, or by feeding our addiction to "feeling better," with whatever our personal external balm becomes.

Food? Doctor appointments? Pedicures? Sex? There are a huge number of things that are REALLY GOOD FOR US TO DO FOR OURSELVES... as an act of self-appreciation... but are just another way to throw money at a problem if we do not also make time to heal and to find that self-appreciation on the inside, too. It's a balancing act, and a personal challenge, for each of us.

My personal example is that I am working to heal an old neck injury. My doctor tells me that it is worth the extra few cents on my electrical bill to keep the heat turned up at night as well as during the day. That hunching and clenching my muscles either from cold, or from the weight of all the blankets on the bed, is one of the worst things I could do to my neck/shoulder as I am working to heal-- and probably for the rest of my life.

My personal challenge is twofold-- First, it's hard to set aside time for the yoga and exercises that will increase my flexibility and strength during this healing process of mine... and Second, I'm living in a space with no central heating.

I'm having a hard time justifying either the time to exercise or the expense of buying and continuously running a heater in my bedroom this winter. And yet, these are the two basic things that I can do for myself in order to truly heal. It is time for me to heal. And in order to do so, I have to put myself first. Literally. In my budget, and in my schedule. Even though what I really WANT to be doing with my free time is watch silly movies that help me relax. Even though I've promised myself that I will live within my means, and a new space heater is not in the budget.

Because what it comes down to is this: If I can't function, I don't have a life. Yes, my budget and my down-time are important... But I have to be able to work in order to sustain the budget, and I have to have a healthy and fit body in order to really benefit from down-time, and relax when I watch a movie.

What keeps getting shunted to the bottom of your "for me" list? What are the three things that will make the most positive impact on your whole-life experience, if only you commit to doing them for yourself? What are you spending time and money on, with the excuse that it makes you feel better-- but you can't say that doing it makes you feel better ABOUT YOURSELF?

It's time. Change is in the air, in the leaves of the trees and the clean cold rain. Take the opportunity to do something wonderful for yourself. Even if that means NOT doing something part of the time.

Dwelling on Intention

I know I'm behind the times-- I haven't read The Secret yet. But from what folks tell me, the big idea in the book is one I already practice, one that is a commonly held belief among my "clan." It's the idea that we give our energy to the things we dwell on.

The belief is that we want to, therefore, direct our energy to the DESIRED OUTCOME or process, so that our energy-- our intention-- moves toward it. Dwelling on our fears, or the thing we want NOT to happen simply puts our energy toward those fears and that thing, regardless of phrasing.

For example, "I want to arrive safely at my destination." is more likely to get the results you want than "I don't want another car crash." Because in the second case, you'd be dwelling on "another car crash..." and the true intention is ARRIVING SAFELY.

It's harder (and more gradual-yet-quick-resultsy) than it sounds. Often, our best method of connecting to the casual acquaintances in our lives is by commiserating and talking about our concerns with each other. If you don't dwell on what sux in your life, what will you talk about with them?? And, last Friday night with a lot of drunk drivers on the road, it was easy for me to dwell on "avoid the drunk drivers" and harder to think "My drive home will be uneventful. I will arrive safely at my destination..." while dodging that ink-blue minivan that was driving-- mostly-- in the middle lane.

We have to come up with a way to define/describe the positive outcome we desire. We also have to catch ourselves thinking in negatives or about all the things we do NOT want to have happen in our lives, and make the choice to re-focus on that positive outcome-- every time.

The mental reinforcement of a mantra or a goal statement, whether at work or in your personal life-- whether in the next five minutes or the next five years-- is a much-used tool. It works. With our minds focusing on "I want this in my life" we are more likely to notice the opportunities that might assist us toward our goal. We are more likely to see ourselves making progress toward that goal or outcome (instead of focusing on what's not the way we want it), and thus have more energy to continue moving in that desired direction. As we focus on that desired outcome, we are more likely to tell people about our hopes, dreams, and positive experiences-- and give them an opportunity to contribute to our triumph rather than to our misery.

For example, I'm moving into a new office this week. I'm VERY excited about this, and see it as a positive change. Sure, it's hard to come up with office rent for a whole month-worth of hours just now, but soon I'll have a huge successful business made of wonderful and repeat clients, and my ability to make a positive difference in their lives. My schedule will be full, I will have the energy to do the work for many clients that I do for a few just now, and as a result, I will also achieve financial success. Enough, and then some. (Quote from Your Money or Your Life, by Jo Dominguez and Vicki Robin, wherein they talk about quality over quantity, and how intentional living bridges that gap.)

Dwelling on "success is coming" sure does keep my energy up!! And instead of saying "shit, I have no chairs for my clients," I decided to use my dining chairs as an interim measure. And with excitement lighting my features, I told my new officemates of the great temporary solutions I'd found to several little challenges like this.

It was a wonderful surprise to then learn that one of my officemates currently has two comfortable chairs sitting in her garage, for wont of a home. She's going to bring them in for me, and she's happy to have someplace else to put them. What a great solution to the challenge that I refused to see as a negative thing! No windows in my new office turned out to be a great opportunity to paint the walls a really bright color, and exercise my muraling skills here and there over top of the new paint color. I'm seeing so many great opportunities, simply because I know this is a great situation in which to work, and success is coming.

Telling myself that this is so opens the door to possibility, just by announcing --repeatedly and confidently-- that possibility exists. It focuses my energy on doing good work and succeeding, and draws similar energy to my life and my office. I'm looking for ways to succeed. I'm looking forward with excitement to a successful life. And excitement, like yawning, is contagious.

I invite you to examine the words, images, and expectations/desires that you dwell on every day. Are you hoping not to be late to soccer practice, or are you hoping to arrive safely and on-time? Are you expecting the copier to jam again and the meeting to run late, or are you intending to get through your day with efficiency and grace? Are you looking for reasons to enjoy getting out of bed? ...or still grumpy and frustrated because you have to go to work, and don't really get to sit around and enjoy the breakfast your spouse made for you this morning?

Now, what does that tell you about your intentions every day? About the places you choose to spend your energy? Try to redefine those concerns that now dissatisfy you in such a way that you will dwell on a positive outcome. Shift your intention. Shift your energy and your focus. Shift your life.

Believe it or not, that's why I love my work so much. Why I am willing to work with my clients' budgets and schedules. Each time I meet with a client who is focused on improving their life in some way, we are putting their intention into action. I get to go to work each day, and help someone focus and shift their energy in a way that will change their life for the better. Eventually, I'd like to build this practice into a wellness retreat. A green-built custom retreat community with a variety of workshops, work spaces, living situations, community-building activities, and healing services such as Massage and quality elder-care. Someday, I will.

What are your life goals? What's the next action you can take to direct your energy toward that end? Maybe it's sitting down with a paper and pen to map out the values that make your big toes wiggle, and decide on some goals or steps you might explore with those values in mind. Maybe it's scheduling half an hour a week into your life for you. Maybe it's time to decide that your goals are just as important to you as everybody else's. Maybe it's time to open the door to possibility, and shout out an invitation.

Self-Offense

I'm becoming more and more aware of the ways in which women often punish and/or defend ourselves in situations where we feel we don't HAVE power or control or even basic rights.

I'm working with more and more women who have used food as a method of having control in their lives. They punish themselves for not being good enough by not eating. They over-eat to feel comforted and to fill an emotional void in their lives; they often become grossly overweight as a defense against rape and other sexual encounters they don't want to face.

We tell ourselves that we are not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not curvaceous enough, not smart enough, not accomplishing enough, not ENOUGH-- and in doing so, we limit ourselves so that nobody can do it to us. We don't want to give that power away, too. We don't want the criticism that women sometimes receive when we take risks, acknowledge our strengths and abilities, attempt change, rock the boat. There are enough critics in our lives already.

I'm learning that these patterns of behavior-- the self-criticism, and self-limiting; the over-eating and the starvation diet-- more and more, these are cropping up among men as well. And since these are "women's diseases" men often have an even harder time admitting that the problem exists, or understanding why, let alone seeking help to make positive changes and enact healthy patterns.

As a society, we cut ourselves off from feelings. From feeling too deeply, from recognizing our emotions and our reactions to our life experiences (especially the traumatic ones!). We ignore the messages our bodies try to send us in the form of felt aches, pains, and nausea. We get so caught up in trying to be smart and world-savvy that we ignore our own inner wisdom. We lose touch (if we ever found it to begin with) with our inner selves.

Sometimes we are so out of touch with our feelings that we fail to react in fight-or-flight situations; we don't get angry when we are mistreated, or we simply assume that we must have done SOMETHING to deserve the anger directed at us by another, the dismissal of our concerns and of our priorities.

And our internal criticism of our own not-enoughness becomes cruel. There is no pause to ask WHY we couldn't do 100 crunches at our twice-daily workout on Tuesday... after not eating for three days and then staying up all night to study for a class that we're taking after our 40-60-hour work week; caring for our households; caring for our families. Caring for everything but ourselves.

When is it time to care for ourselves? When do we pause and ask ourselves who has judged us-- where that criticism we are using as our measuring stick has come from... And then ask ourselves who has the right to determine our individual worth-- our individual definitions of a successful life. Most of the time, we begin by looking outside of ourselves for approval of our choices, our values, our style of dress and our sense of humor. We look outside of ourselves for clues about what we are supposed to do, who we are supposed to be, and what our reward for "getting it right" should look like. And none of it makes us very happy.

You see, until you have a good relationship with YOURSELF, until you like yourself and figure out what sort of a life would make YOU happy-- chances are, you won't be. It is a risk-- taking responsibility for our own choices and our own happiness. Back to the Cinderella Complex again, really. Hoping someone else will come along and save us from all this.

It's a risk to feel all those feelings that you've repressed or didn't even know you were having for so many years. What if they overwhelm you? Why are you suddenly getting ANGRY all the time?? Well... it's your body finally balancing out. All the emotions you ignored didn't go away-- they just got packed and compressed and repressed into this little box, and when you release the catch on the lid, it springs open and all the unfulfilled unhappy feelings come rushing out. ...But then, the box is empty. It no longer sits there oozing poison and secret shames, feeding your bodily illnesses and emotional instabilities and dependencies on people or on substances or on food-management.

There is finally space for you to learn new coping skills, to learn to recognize when you are having an emotion, and what emotion it is, and maybe even begin to recognize that there is probably a GOOD REASON for you to be having that emotion. Listening to yourself. Deciding how you want to act, now that you have all the information available to you. Befriending and trusting yourself. Accessing your inner wisdom. ...learning to love yourself as an imperfect and wonderful individual... Learning the joy of working toward a lifestyle and a decision-making process that will actually make you HAPPY!! Happy to be alive. Happy to be here, and do that, with people who appreciate you for YOU, and who share similar aspirations and a similar respect for you that you are learning to have yourself.

...If you don't learn to respect and love yourself-- to feel that your needs and your goals and your values and your decisions are important... nobody else will either. Make a different choice. And remember that even if the people you love and currently interact with don't support your goal of finding and appreciating yourself... someone else will. You are worth waiting for, worth searching for, worth working to find. Worth listening to. But this time, you get to do the waiting, working, listening and searching for yourself. It is deliciously empowering to put your energy and efforts to work in pursuit of your OWN GOALS-- and very few of the women I know have ever done this consciously. Intentionally.

So I invite you:
Live intentionally. Live joyfully. Live your own life.
Ask for help, expect respectful treatment.
Dance on top of the world.
Please.